The War is On

My fellow Chrisians,

This morning, we were attacked by the common cold. Other neighboring countries have faced this enemy head-on in the last few days, and now we are its target. We must stand up and fight. Or, alternately, lay down and fight.

The War on Cold will be fought on several different fronts. First, we will smoke our enemies out of their holes with a simple defensive weapon known as steam. Our military has been investigating new, effective, and efficient high-tech weaponry. Emergen-C has been a cutting edge tool in the War on Cold, although its costs are high. Interestingly, its waste product, neon green urine, has the effect of literally blinding our enemies, and ourselves. We have also brought some allies into our fight as well: deliverymen. History has taught us to "feed a cold, starve a fever." So, Chinese food, chicken sandwiches, and burritos will bring our enemy to its knees. And finally, most importantly, we will not rest in this war until we are well-rested.

Finally, we have an exit strategy and a timetable. Our hope is that the enemy will be uprooted from our sovereign land by tomorrow afternoon, so our leader can greet The Killers at Webster Hall. In addition, our nation must not suffer defeat just days before a goodwill visit to the West Village with leaders Jack Daniels, John Molson, and Jose Cuervo.

Stay strong, fellow countrymen. We will prevail in the War on Cold. We will not let illness, fear, and pain win. Our enemies are like germs. Sorry, actually, they are germs. They will be defeated.

Thank you, and god bless... AACHOO... me.