Letter From a Jilted Lover

Dear Williamsburg,

We're through. I used to like you. Hell, I used to live with you. But after flirting with Manhattan for the last six months and dealing with you over the weekend, I don't think we should see each other anymore.

It's a damn shame. I used to defend you to all my friends. I would tell them about Barcade or the Brooklyn Brewery or McCarren Park. When friends of Manhattan badmouthed you about how remote, inaccessible, and boring you were, I insisted you were nearby, easy to reach, and pretty damn fun to be around.

But you've done me wrong. Friday night was the last straw. I was fooled into believing that because there were no service changes on the L train, I wouldn't have any problems taking the L train. But, my dear Williamsburg, after having a blast with you, the L train decided to stop running to Manhattan because of a "switch malfunction." Now I was trapped with you, in the pouring rain, with three broken ATMs on one block, and no open cabs to be found. Worst of all, I had to pee really badly. This was the nightmare that all the Williamsburg-haters have feared, and it was happening to me.

You wouldn't let me leave. I was soaking wet and a twenty-block walk from the nearest train to Manhattan. I had to walk down deserted streets, across seedy parking lots, through bus depots, and under highway underpasses. I had to wait on a cold, unsheltered elevated subway platform for fifteen minutes. I came back to Manhattan drenched, cold, hungry, and dejected.

Williamsburg, you've let me down for the last time. I think should really see other people. I hope we can still be friends. I'll remember and cherish the times we shared and every time I drink a Brooklyn Lager, I'll think of you.

Love,
Chris

26 Moments of Idiocy:

Blogger Jaime said...

I think your problem is actually Williamsburg, and not all of Brooklyn. Are you really going to break up with Brooklyn because of one little pimply neighborhood??

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Brooklyn said...

Bastard. I gave you the best months of my life and this is how you return the favor? Give me back my black T-shirt.

10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. So you're hipster ass cannot stand the fact that you can't get back from Williamsburg aka Manhattan-lite because of a switch malfunction.

News flash, genius: Those happen all the time IN Manhattan. If all you're going to do is bitch about the L train, find a different route.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Jaime: you're right. My problem is with Williamsburg. I will adjust accordingly.

Anon: Wow, you've got my number! Let me trot out that faux-hawk and ironic t-shirt. When those malfunctions happen in Manhattan, we have other transportation options, and we're not separated from our homes by a river.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous maple said...

I love how all the douches post as anonymous...fess up!

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Marjorie said...

20% of the US population can trace their ancestry through Brooklyn or has lived in Brooklyn at some point.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Damian said...

While I'm not a faux-hawked, skinny-jeaned, big headphone-wearing hipster douche, I do live in the WB and that poster sums up my anger quite nicely.

Well done.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't understand why anyone would leave Manhattan to go to Williamsburg in the first place. Unless he needed to sell vintage clothes, go to a memorial service, or help a friend move. You're all mixed up, kid. Whatchoo doin' in the EV, with an attitude like that? Check yourself!

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Williamsburg but I do agree with you that it does have some transportation problems. The J seems to run decently but the L always has service going on. Aslo, if the G train actually ran it would be pretty helpful, but that's just for my convenience.

Yes if the transportation was more reliable then more people would come out...but it's cool enough that people should be coming out anyway.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous narnia said...

Dear east village,

Oh lord. I'm sorry. I... no, I mean... well, yes... you're right. I knew this was coming. I'm just sorry that I didn't tell you earlier. Yes, I know... we had a great thing going. I know, at first I was all like "fuck williamsburg, that dirty, vapid, transparent puff" and I fell for you. You were everything that she purported to be, but realer-er-er... but then my favorite bar burned down. And it got loud. And it got dirty. And the B&T crew invaded avenue C. And then... well, to be honest, you got played out. No... I kn.. I'm sor.. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT

4:05 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Anon: Barcade is just about the only good reason for me to go to Williamsburg. Old-school arcade games AND microbrews? Shit, already I'm regretting this breakup.

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Edward said...

There is a 24 hour car service a block from the L stop on Bedford.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Mjones said...

I once broke up witha guy when he told me he was moving to Brooklyn. Thanks Chris, for validating my entire argument for our relationship's demise.

It's just too far and the L train cannot be trusted.

I think we would have made it if he chose Queens.

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

not to be a douche, but we don't exactly want red sox fans in our neighborhood anyway.

enjoy your firetrap, manhattan!

4:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was trapped on the L train on Saturday night with a major bladder issue. The train would stop for twenty minutes at a time at each station, and I nearly piddled in the pants. Williamsburg is rad, but totally not worth the price of the L train.

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Gari N Corp said...

Cut out that Brooklyn Lager while you're at it. The owner's some kind of demented bulldozer fiend. He's also best friends with that abject idiot Marty Markowitz, the absolute number one worst thing about Brooklyn.

4:43 PM  
Blogger kat said...

cut the G train a little slack. think of it as tormented and misunderstood. it's not "unreliable", it's "too deep/artistic to operate like all the other trains"!

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BIG BLACK COCK, RIGHT IN YOUR FACE

6:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, i lived in the east village for ten years before i moved to williamsburg. why did i move?
the east village sucks shit.

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, you moved cause you couldn't afford it anymore.

9:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Williamsburg and I have four amazing years together. But now I can't afford her. And that L Train thing really drove me nuts. So I moved.

But I will always remember the Pabst.

--

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree, billyburg sucks. In fact, I got my car stolen on the last possible day I had to live there. How's that for you? Get out while you can.

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

northside car service
(718) 387-2222

Metro car service
(718) 388-1800

is it really that hard to get out of williamsburg? god forbid you walk over the bridge like a normal human being...

1:05 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Let me remind you of this incident, which happened in broad daylight, and tell me that walking over the bridge is something a "normal human being" would do at 2am.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on, come on now. ONE incident two years ago doesn't seem like a trend. I wonder how many people have walked across the bridge since then.

Granted, walking across any of the bridges at 2 am is pretty stupid, but still. It happened TWO years ago and it happened ONE TIME. That's some selective evidence there.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

It's no trend, but you just said that walking across the bridge at 2am is stupid to begin with, regardless of that isolated incident.

10:49 AM  

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