I Am Now Dumber For Having Read Your Bar Review

I've never been a huge fan of the L Magazine, mainly because it's named after the subway line that gives me daily panic attacks. But the information is fairly useful, and sometimes entertaining. In fact, I'm a huge fan of Fare is Fare and Tips for Tips, two of the more entertaining sporadically-published short-form fluffy features in free alternative news-periodicals.

If you're looking for some recommendations on places to drink in The L (and who isn't?), don't even bother. Audrey Ference, you're on my list. You write a page-long review twice a month that somehow finds a way to tell me absolutely nothing about the bars you're reviewing. I always thought that a bar reviewer wrote about bars. And occasionally, I thought a bar reviewer even gave details of the bars she reviews! In the last few months, you've discussed how you've never been to Red Hook, how much you hate the heat, and how to dress like a non-tourist. These are great topics for a blog - but not for a person whose job is to provide editorial descriptions of drinking establishments.

Here is one example of Audrey's brilliant summary of the two bars she reviewed last month:
How about Vegas? They’ve got a pool table, a decent jukebox, and enough sense to keep the door shut and the lights low. Or, if you’re a Manhattanite, maybe Ace Bar. Again, pool table, decent music, some darts and pinball. Whatever. Just go somewhere near your house, because only a crazy person would be walking around in this heat. The important thing to remember is that eventually August will end and you can be a human again. Until then, stay inside, stay hydrated, and stay a little tipsy. Like I even had to add that last part.
So, Vegas is dark and has a pool table and jukebox? And Ace Bar has the same, plus some darts and pinball? Those are some amazing observations! I'm totally convinced that I should go to both of these bars right away!

Thanks for nothing, Audrey. Next time you go to a bar, I'd recommend staying there for more than 30 seconds. I bet you could learn a lot about a bar that way! You might even discover that they serve this stuff called "beer" - there are thousands of different varieties!

7 Moments of Idiocy:

Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

How could she mention Ace Bar and not mention the Skee Ball. It has skeeball! Not only that, but they also have Skee Ball leagues.

Seriously, only go to Ace bar if you enjoy Skee Ball, or if you want to watch young meatheads from LI who are now stockbrokers living in the East Village play darts in their wife beaters.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Z. Madison said...

beehive, you took the words right out of my mouth. i make it a pilgramige to go there just for the skeeball.

2:27 PM  
Blogger pinknest said...

lol!! i read that too and thought, wtf?

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Audrey said...

Hi, sorry, I know it's lame to comment on your blog because I just googled myself, but hi, I'm Audrey. I'm not actually allowed to just review the bars, is the thing. I'm supposed to be writing about "bar culture." They had an actual reviewer for a while but I guess they got rid of him. Sorry if I've made you more stupid. I only get 400 words. I try my hardest.

9:42 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

WTF?!? Who in their right mind would call Von a wine bar??? Utterly baffling!

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

East Village Cunt this place should be named.

10:06 PM  
Anonymous jazzycats said...

Chris, you sir are a douchebag, and have too much free time. Go work on your drum banging.

1:58 PM  

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