To be honest, I actually like dogs. I mean, how can you say no to a face like this?
But I was walking around Sunday morning at the ungodly hour of 8am. What was I doing? Was it a walk of shame? No, I wish. Who would voluntarily wake up so early on a Sunday? Answer: no sane person.
As I looked around, I realized that the only other people casually on the street at 8am were all doing the same thing: walking their goddamn dogs. How much must it suck to have to wake up at 8am on a Sunday just to put a leash on your obnoxious yapping dog so it can go outside, take a shit, and make you pick up said shit off the sidewalk?
This is why dogs do not belong in urban environments. If your dog wakes up yapping in a suburban or rural home at 8am on a Sunday, there is a simple solution: you get out of bed and let it out into the yard, where it can run around barking and annoying your neighbors. Then, you crawl back into bed. If you tried to do that in New York, you would probably be shot by your neighbors, and your dog would be kidnapped.
Dog owners in New York are absolutely nuts. Rather than forcing them to be subservient to humans, New York dog owners are subservient to their dogs. Now, I like dogs, but not to the point where I will cater to their every need, like $200 groomings, skin exfoliation treatments, and nutritional counseling. Yes, and don't get that precious fur dirty on those stinky, dusty dog runs! That's the place where every one of your neighbors' dogs will try to hump each other, because they all live in the city and have no other means of expending their energy. And thanks to the apparent need to outshine your neighbors and their dogs, the New York city dog owner's needs apparently include doggie strollers (because your dog is too good for walking), gourmet dog bowls, and couture doggie sweaters. These people are seriously batshit crazy... no, dogshit crazy. Hell, Barbara Walters thinks her dog talks to her! Need I say more?
Look, to each their own, but you will never find me owning a dog in New York City, nor will I ever date anyone with a dog. I don't want no baby mama drama, whether it's in human or canine form. If I ever wake up from a hookup with a fucking bitch licking my face, I really will be taking that walk of shame at 8am on a Sunday. Unless that's a bitch in the figurative sense. Then I might think about it, but even that is pretty kinky, and borderline dogshit crazy.