It's Hot as Hell, Get the Hell Out of My Way

Are you kidding me? It is 100 degrees outside. I want to get inside as quickly as possible. And you, sir, are walking at about 1 mile per hour. You look to be in decent shape. You're not old. You're not holding a cane. Your walking companions are fairly young and capable, too. And you're walking three wide across a sidewalk. Do you notice the fact that I am literally one foot behind you? Shouldn't that make you uncomfortable in a big city? I could reach into your pocket and pull out your wallet right now. But I won't, if you would just step the fuck aside.

Do you want me to run you over? Because I might have to. We're on a crowded subway platform, and you're poking along in the two feet of available space at the slowest rate of speed possible. You have single-handedly managed to cause a human traffic jam. I bet that if you had a driver's license, you would be the guy who drives 50 in a 55. And I would be the one tailgating you, laying on the horn. Do you know what it's like to sit in a traffic jam in 100 degree weather? It's not fun, and your car runs the risk of overheating. Right now, my temper is about to overheat.

Oh my god, are you serious? It's only one more block until I can get inside, and you just crossed from your cab to the storefront like a crippled old lady. Would you cross a street like that? If you saw a speeding Italian sportscar coming straight for you, would you continue to cross the street at the speed of a slug? Because that's what you're doing when you cross the sidewalk like that. I'm the speeding Italian sportscar. My walking speed screams "get the hell out of my way," so get the hell out of my way.

11 Moments of Idiocy:

Blogger Kate said...

Chris, I can see your point. Slow people suck, and it's hot out. But imagine never being able to get to air conditioning no matter how fast people were walking. That, my friend, is Eastern effing Europe. Just sayin'.

5:32 PM  
Blogger Flee said...

You kids wouldn't know a heatwave if it humped your leg.

I live in Australia.

We have a week or two in a row of temperatures up to 45 degrees every Jan & Feb. & Thanks to daylight savings, it can last until 9pm. Outside of those weeks we're talking high 30s every day for a couple of months.

Invest in an inflatable baby pool for each room of the house and suck it up like 20 million badass Australians do every single summer. THAT, my friend, is my advice to you.

Sweet blog btw.


9:08 PM  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

I don't wish to start a blog tit for tat, but I beg to differ with the Aussie, channel 4 news last night had an interview with an Aussie who confirmed that NYC heat is difference than any other type of heat Austrailia could ever produce.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Damn right, as we always say, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity."

Although this week, it's the heat AND the humidity.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Mjones said...


I feel your pain but at least you can get to quality AC.

I'm thinking that my office thinks I'm fat because it has become a steam room , with the AC slowly dwindling to little puffs of cool air every 5 minutes or so.

And my living room AC blows out hot air and my super isn't returning calls.

So if you hear about a twenty-something female jumping into the fountain of bethesda in the park nekkid you can pretty much bet that it's me.

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Marjorie said...

Seriously so many people in this city would fail a walking class.

11:28 AM  
Anonymous ryan said...

No matter how hot it is, there will always be someone to remind you that it's hotter somewhere else.

"100 degrees with 100% humidity? Suck it, pussy! That's child's play"

Yeah OK. I guess if you live in Hell, that type of weather wouldn't bother you. But for everyone else, feel free to complain!

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there are some people in the city (i won't name names, but you know who you are) who think the hotter it is outside, the slower they should walk, because they think there's a lower chance of overheating.

1:29 PM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

This happens to me even more often in the freezing cold weather. You'd think that when it's freezing people would want to walk faster both to keep their body temperature up and to get to their indoor destination faster. But no! They don't!

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Karen ;- ) said...

Washington DC...the land where one inch of snow will cripple YOUR nation's capital. Also the land of the 110 degree heat index. And no, show up to work on time. BONUS if you don't shower and ride the metro. ADDED BONUS if you're a tourist and don't STAND ON THE FREAKING RIGHT. That is all. Urge to kill rising...rising...

3:37 PM  
Blogger PJ said...

Hilarious, brilliant and perfectly captures one of my daily frustrations. I hate slow people. I know it's a strong statement but I genuinely do.

I'm guilty of hogging up the left (instead of right) side of footpaths and escalators while a tourist in the States but it only took me a couple of days to learn that if I was going to look up and gawk, it needed to happen on the right.

9:34 PM  

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