I'm a Big Bad Scary Man

To the girl who crossed East 12th Street in the middle of the block at 3:30am:

I promise you, I am completely harmless. I would not have laid a finger on you. I would not have said a word to you. Hell, I probably wouldn't have even looked at you if you had walked by me on the sidewalk.

Wait, do I really look that threatening? I know you probably do this for your own safety, and maybe you've had a bad experience in the past, but I could take this personally. I don't think I could ever classify as scary-looking. Especially not on this fairly well-lit block. But do you think I look like such a dangerous character that you deem it necessary to risk life and limb by dashing out into the street between two parked cars and into the path of a speeding cab, forcing him to stop short?

What was it that tipped you off to my obviously criminal demeanor? The designer jeans? The Brooklyn Industries t-shirt? My less-than-stellar build? My dark complexion?

Fine then, I didn't want to share the sidewalk with you anyway.

25 Moments of Idiocy:

Blogger Sarah said...

I would take it super-personally. When women are alone at 3:30 a.m., they are panicky!

5:42 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

WOULDN'T take it super personally. Sheesh.

5:43 PM  
Blogger diane said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

4:18 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Ha! I guess Gawker's description of this post gives new meaning to the term "Gawker Stalker."

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

women just get creeped out sometimes that late at night, no matter who you are. it's one of the sucky things about being a man. on the flip side, it sucks to be a woman and feel that you have to cross the street cuz that dude might totally want to fuck your shit up. gah! what is the world coming to!

4:32 PM  
Anonymous Marjorie said...

Chris you are a sketchy "Gawker Stalker."

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus christ dude, are you really so ridiculous that you are so personally offended by a woman crossing the street to avoid a stranger late at night that you have to make a whiney blog post about it?! Good lord, she probably got a big ol' whiff of pathetic and was running from *that*.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Wow, I guess someone totally missed the comedic value of this blog post.

4:50 PM  
Anonymous slinkybender said...

Maybe she was another trashed 18-year old from Jersey.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you saying that if you had a dark complexion that THEN and only THEN should she be freaked out by you? i guess none of you people noticed that. because this post was just SO hilarious. how about you're a man and it's dark ass wipe! or how about you're an ass wipe and that would be enough for anyone to cross the street. maybe you should wear TWO pairs of designer jeans next time and like, i don't know 4 Brooklyn Industries t-shirts and talk about them out loud! then ladies will know that you just suck and there is no reason to be afraid.

5:05 PM  
Anonymous The Karen said...

Better cut off your penis, quick. That'll make you less threatening.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think he's saying he DOES have a dark complexion. Read the fucking article.

5:11 PM  
Anonymous rod said...

my guess: there was particularly good coke available that night.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My guess: you've never been a woman.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Tyler said...

i'm frightened of your "cologne." it smells like poutine, listerine strips, and a dash of sex panther.

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe she thought you were a frat boy.

10:57 PM  
Blogger chickiedisco said...

East Village Idiot? Hey, you ain't kiddin. How bout East Village a=hole? Number one, what are you doing walking around at that hour? Number two, you ain't no Brad Pitt. But number three, and most important, you obviously are totally ignorant of the rape statistics in this country and world. Men usually don't care, since they are usually the ones assaulting and raping women! Check it out, dummy!

* Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.
* One in six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape, and 10% of sexual assault victims are men.
* In 2003-2004, there were an average annual 204,370 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.

12:15 AM  
Anonymous bvllets said...

I'd say you're a cocky uppity homosexual. Yes, I mean that kind of cocky. Sweet designer jeans dude.

1:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should start a blog. This is (not) really interesting. Some nights, even in New York City, you don't get laid.
Deal.

2:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"You were rewarded with laughter."

Chris, you're the perfect mix of self-righteous and complete ignorant. No wonder she thought you were a rapist.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to realize that your attempt at humor failed.

Oh, and please move to somewhere more appropriate for your type, such as Murray Hill. The East Village had enough idiots without noobs like you blogging like you own the place, thanks.

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You would get mugged if you was outside in my part of Jersey City at 3:30AM.

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

"You would get mugged if you was outside in my part of Jersey City at 3:30AM."

"was outside?"

"my part?"

"Jersey City?"

Classic.

1:52 PM  
Blogger gerryvisco said...

By the way, checked you out on Facebook. No wonder she crossed the street, your taste in music is appalling! I agree, Murray Hill or perhaps somewhere like Kew Gardens or Westchester would be more suitable for you to hang your hat -- it seems the big city has you flummoxed! Or were you really stalking the girl? Surely you could go to a bar for that sort of action, no?

11:21 PM  
Blogger Not Chosen said...

Wow, Chris - looks like you and I share the same reading audience!

7:47 PM  

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