I Don't Have Casual Sex, and Therefore, I Am Better More Sexually Frustrated Than You

I am abstaining from casual sex.

Okay, so maybe it's not by choice. It's probably because I have no skills and haven't had casual sex in years. Or pretty much ever. Or at least not casual sex that didn't end up turning into a relationship that would forever be awkward because it began with casual sex.

I've always been known for being mature for my age. And here is the problem with casual sex that should be plaguing me at 35, not 24: what if she's "the one?"

The demon on my left shoulder is saying, "dude, who cares? You're getting laid! Do you really want to go three years without getting ass again?"

The angel on my right shoulder is saying, "how about this: 'Daddy, how did you and mommy meet?'...'Well, we met at a bar, I took her home and had wild sex with her. Then we didn't speak to each other for three days.' Do you want to live with that legacy?"

Maybe it's my upbringing in a heavily Catholic state that instilled my aversion to casual sex. No, that can't be it. There are just as many skanky whores in Rhode Island as anywhere else in this country, except maybe New Jersey.

Maybe it's because I'm "a nice guy." No, that can't be it, either - any ex-girlfriend of mine will probably tell you that I am not "a nice guy."

Maybe it's because I have, since the day I escaped my mother's womb, been ridiculously shy. Yeah, that's the ticket. Blame it on my shyness. Start a movement: shy guys need to get laid, too, you know. Guys should be able to sit there and expect a woman to come up to him, because that should be socially acceptable. A shy guy can dream, can't he?

Sorry, I'm fully aware that I can't expect sex to fall into my lap... pardon the pun. This post was simply a cry for help for a guy who hasn't gotten laid in 128 days.

Not that I'm keeping track or anything.

10 Moments of Idiocy:

Anonymous ryan said...

"Guys should be able to sit there and expect a woman to come up to him."

Amen to that!

3:30 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

White dade asked me to edit that piece and honestly I couldn't because I didn't condone it and don't really care about the topic. Casual sex is for idiots- it's such a game play move these days, I am so over anyone that expects it.

4:17 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Well, that makes two of us. If only another male would agree with me on that.

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Brandi said...

It's been 170 days for me, and I just counted that on a calendar to be sure. Casual sex is starting to sound appealing when you look at the number.....

4:50 PM  
Blogger Dave Amirault said...

At this point I'll take anything I can get.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i would molest ohhhleary ;)

6:16 PM  
Anonymous Meaghan said...

you can file this post under "Things I didn't need to ever know about."


In fact, I know way, way, way too much about your sex life already. Stop dating my friends, God damn it.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's like 4 and a half months. C'mon dude, suck it up, that's nothing. You really ring no sympathy bells.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Karen ;- ) said...

I haven't gotten any for, like...137 minutes. I'm DYIN' here...

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Maple said...

I'll take your 137 days and raise you a resolution that's now 223 days old.

"Didn't get much action as a fetus!"

12:25 PM  

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