Would you like a straw?

No, I would not like a straw. Are you joking? I just bought a 20-ounce bottle of soda. I can drink it out of the bottle. In fact, the straw is too short to get most of the soda out of the bottle. Have you ever seen someone drink a 20-ounce soda with a straw?

Yes, I need a straw, because I totally look four years old. In fact, do you have any free sippy cups back there that you could toss in my bag?

I don't understand what it is with you New York City store owners and your straws. Is it cool to drink out of a straw in New York? Is this a trend I was not aware of?

And why do you even have a steady supply of straws? You don't sell any drinks that require straws. You're a goddamn drugstore - a chain, no less - and your franchises outside of the city have never offered me a straw.

So, no. I do not want a straw. Unless it's a bendie straw, or one of those twisty straws with cartoon characters attached to them. Those are pretty fucking cool.

12 Moments of Idiocy:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure it's just a holdover from the days before 20oz bottles, and New Yorkers have extra motivation to want to use straws with their cans.

11:37 AM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

I just counted six wrapped straws in my desk drawer at work, because the deli down the street won't quit giving them to me every time I buy a drink! But I can't bear to throw any of them away, because it seems so wasteful.

They also won't quit giving me plastic knives with the food I buy, even though the food almost NEVER requires a knife, and if it did, I doubt that a flimsy plastic one would get the job done.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

I'm not sure why, but I'm finding it hysterical that threetoedsloth actually counted 6 straws in her desk drawer. I'm imagining some alternate universe where she is sitting in my exact cubicle and being just as bored as I am at work.

12:39 PM  
Blogger Z. Madison said...

ironically, i'm sitting here upset with my can of diet dr. pepper because the deli guy forgot to give me a straw.

12:58 PM  
Anonymous ryan said...

Absolutely supurb! I remember New York businesses and their straw-pushing ways. I thought it was the strangest thing that anytime I bought a beverage I was offered a straw. I'm glad to see that even a New Yorker thinks this is odd.

Another oddity: the way you cut your bagels in New York. Bagels are to be cut once, not twice! You know what I'm talkin about.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Mjones said...

My deli guy is also obsessed with giving me a bag, when it is particularly obvious that I have alrge canvas tote that is durable enough to carry my soda.

Every day as I hand him perfect change because I know how much it costs because I do it every day, he asks, "Do you want a bag?"

Yes, my soda feels naked. Let's cover it up.

2:15 PM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

After lunch, I'm up to SEVEN straws now. Anybody need one?

2:51 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I have an issue with the bags, too. All I'm going to do is walk out of the store, open the soda, and drink it. The bag makes any drink I buy at a bodega look suspiciously alcoholic. Even if it's as innocent as a snapple.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous lauren said...

^ exactly what I was thinking when i read this post. I buy coffee every day from the same place and every day they put it in a bag while i'm taking out my wallet. why on earth would i want my coffee in a bag? that just asking for an accident.

5:16 PM  
Blogger Stroll said...

Straws are mainly for use with beverages in metal cans, so your mouth does not have to touch the can, which has likely been rolled around in all kinds of dirt, shit, piss, etc, on its way from plant to warehouse to store. :)

12:40 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I can understand for cans... heck, I've done it for cans. But for plastic bottles with a cap screwed on? That's what I don't understand.

And this morning, I was offered a bag for my 20-ounce bottle of Gatorade. It's really, really hot outside. What do you think I'm going to do with this drink as soon as I step outside?

9:30 AM  
Blogger athens said...

Maybe it's so you don't have to tip your head back and increase your chances of running into someone while walking around. Of course this logic only makes sense if you are buying a bottle of pop To Go.

12:11 PM  

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