10 Things I Hate About Yankee Stadium

I know there are many Yankees fans who agree with me on this: I hate Yankee Stadium. Quite simply, it's a toilet. It's an old decrepit ballpark with no charm, poor design, and idiot fans.

Okay, they probably won't agree with me on that last one. Although I'm just as much of an idiot for my drunken comment last night:

Gang of Yankees fans in men's room (pointing to me in Red Sox hat): Look, here comes an asshole.
Me: Hey, why you talkin' about yourself, buddy?

Insert foot in mouth. Proceed to exit, quickly. Run for dear life. Then remember that they were probably too dumb to even get the joke... the same way Yankees fans who wear the "Do the Math" t-shirt probably can't actually do the math.

1. The line outside the stadium
2. The security search outside the stadium
At least twice this season, I have missed an entire inning of a game simply waiting in line to get through security. And what's the stadium's definition of a "security checkpoint?" Not a pat down. They simply ask you to take out your cell phone, and they gaze at the screen. How does this help? Are they making sure your cell phone isn't really a gun? Thanks for the piece of mind that a crazy Yankees fan won't beat me up with their phone.

3. The concourses
This scene was not taken after a game, nor was it during a game. This is the lower-level "hallway" ONE HOUR BEFORE GAME TIME. This is a claustrophobe's worst nightmare. Once you spend a half-hour waiting in crowds outside the stadium, you spend another half-hour inside the stadium just to get to your seat. The same situation takes place after the game. Last night, it took me an hour to get to the 4 train platform. It took me 25 minutes to get home.

4. The stupid fans who run onto the field
Seriously, what are you trying to prove? There was clearly nothing to celebrate at that point last night. Thanks for icing our pitcher with your unruly behavior. And cheering him on? That's just unacceptable anywhere. This kid doesn't deserve a pat on the back. He deserves a nice tackling by security. And can we point out how much he looks like a stereotypical juvenile-deliquent Yankees fan?

5. The overbearing police presence
Since the security check clearly isn't thorough enough, the cops are everywhere. Especially on the field, since the idiot fans threw objects onto the field in game 6 of the 2004 ALCS over A-Rod's "slap." This, of course, is why "Slappy" is the most despicable Yankees player - and the subject of this hilarious photoshop.

6. The Tier Section
7. The Fans in the Tier Section
The tier at Yankee Stadium is most likely the worst experience in all of baseball. All Yankees fans talk trash about the poles that block views in the "obstructed view" seats at Fenway. I never saw the words "obstructed view" on my ticket for a seat in the tier, when I can't even see a third of the outfield. Not to mention the drunken idiots being arrested, the vertigo and altitude sickness, and the clogged three-foot-wide walkways... those are obstructions, too. As for the fans themselves, I've already discussed that fully. I was offered tickets for tonight's game in the tier. I passed them up.

8. Cotton-Eye Joey
9. Bob Sheppard
In a pathetic attempt to outdo the Fenway Faithful's 8th inning singalong of "Sweet Caroline," this moron gets on the screen and dances to one of the most obnoxious songs in a generation. Bob Sheppard... well, look, I'm sure he's a great old man, and I respect great traditions like him. But it's time to hang up the mic. "Nowwhgth Battbhghying [unnecessary five-second pause] theshaf ceeenrentetr fiehdffalder..."

10. Rudy Giuliani
FRIGGIN GIULIANI!

4 Moments of Idiocy:

Anonymous Marjorie said...

Melky Cabrera...Seriously from one media whore to another anytime you have tickets that you don't want let me know.

9:49 PM  
Anonymous Michael said...

11. The Yankee "fans" all leave in the sixth inning. OK, I actually enjoy this, because who wants to hang out with Yankee fans? [see above]. The couple dozen actual baseball fans remaining can watch the last three innings in peace.

9:19 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

"Cotton Eye Joe" is the 7th Inning Stretch Song for The Texas Rangers;

The Brains(Bwahahahaha) @ "FOX Saturday Baseball" managed to work it into their closing montage, when TDyankees lost, with 2 femmes(Not Exactly Fatales)were seen dancing to it;

TDyankees: all the originality of Microsoft.

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Nora said...

Yankee Stadium is right up there with Canal Street (YOU WANT A PURSE? LOUISGUCCIPRADACOACHLOUISLOUISLOUIS?!?!) as my version of hell.

5:44 PM  

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