The East Village Idiot's Guide For Women to Detestable Men in New York City
Originally, this was going to be a list of tips for picking up guys like me. As a preface, I would warn the author that the tips would not work on certain types of men. The list of those types took on a life of its own. So, here are those types:
- The Guido Yankees Fan: He spends hours at the gym every day. He thinks he's the shit and is most comfortable in a muscle shirt. He has a meaningless job in construction, janitorial services, or landscaping. He grew up on Long Island, or spends his weekends "Down The Shore." His balls have most likely shriveled up into his body from all the steroids he takes.
- The Dark, Poetic Druggie: He is a struggling actor, writer, or musician with nothing to live for. Woe is him! He will sit in the corner of a bar with a pint and a poetry book and ponder the meaning of life... and a word that rhymes with "carcinogenic." He is so stoned, you have to beat a response out of him.
- The Guy Who Makes More Money Than You: "I have my own place in Grammercy Park! It's huge! It's got a view of the Empire State Building that you have to see! I just spent a week doing business in London. I work for an investment bank, you might of heard of it, it's called Deutsche Bank. Have you heard of it? No? Oh, well, it's a pretty big deal."
- The Hipster Who's Way Too Cool For You: He hasn't shaved in days. He listens to bands with three-word names that are completely nonsensical and nobody's ever heard of. If you haven't heard of these bands, he will lose all interest in you. These bands have names like Green Log Cabana, or Placid Goat Attack, or Candid Milk Quarrel. And if you think any of those sound like cool band names, please stop reading my blog now.
- The Guy Who Watches Way Too Much Trashy Reality TV To Be Straight: "Ohmygawd! Did you see when the old guy got kicked off American Idol?!? I know! It was so sad! How about that fight between the midget and the washed-up sitcom star on The Surreal Life! Did you hear about the 8th and Ocean marathon this weekend? I'm soooo excited!" He will be your best friend, I'm sure. But nothing more.
- The "Sweet Talker": He uses any of the following pet names to describe any woman he encounters, including girlfriends, friends, friends of friends, and total strangers: Baby Cakes, Sweet Cheeks, Cutie Pie, Muffin, Hot Cakes, Honey, Puddin', Pumpkin, Sugar Mama, Cupcake, Peaches-n-Cream, Sugar Plum, or Fruit Loop. Great, now I'm hungry.
The list can go on and on (and will perhaps be updated as I'm inspired). Please, ladies, avoid these men at all costs. I shouldn't have to compete with these jackasses... but such is life in the big city.
Oh, and if you're willing to take a chance and talk to me, feel free. I'll be at the bar, right between the dirty hippie and the smelly old man.