The East Village Idiot's Guide For Women to Detestable Men in New York City

I've seen far too many "guides" like this, but I feel the need to create one of my own. Honestly, any of these "guides" are mostly self-serving, so the title should really be The East Village Idiot's Guide For Women to Detestable Men in New York City That Women Waste Their Time On When They Could Be Meeting Me Instead. But really, let's not split hairs here.

Originally, this was going to be a list of tips for picking up guys like me. As a preface, I would warn the author that the tips would not work on certain types of men. The list of those types took on a life of its own. So, here are those types:

- The Guido Yankees Fan: He spends hours at the gym every day. He thinks he's the shit and is most comfortable in a muscle shirt. He has a meaningless job in construction, janitorial services, or landscaping. He grew up on Long Island, or spends his weekends "Down The Shore." His balls have most likely shriveled up into his body from all the steroids he takes.

- The Dark, Poetic Druggie: He is a struggling actor, writer, or musician with nothing to live for. Woe is him! He will sit in the corner of a bar with a pint and a poetry book and ponder the meaning of life... and a word that rhymes with "carcinogenic." He is so stoned, you have to beat a response out of him.

- The Guy Who Makes More Money Than You: "I have my own place in Grammercy Park! It's huge! It's got a view of the Empire State Building that you have to see! I just spent a week doing business in London. I work for an investment bank, you might of heard of it, it's called Deutsche Bank. Have you heard of it? No? Oh, well, it's a pretty big deal."

- The Hipster Who's Way Too Cool For You: He hasn't shaved in days. He listens to bands with three-word names that are completely nonsensical and nobody's ever heard of. If you haven't heard of these bands, he will lose all interest in you. These bands have names like Green Log Cabana, or Placid Goat Attack, or Candid Milk Quarrel. And if you think any of those sound like cool band names, please stop reading my blog now.

- The Guy Who Watches Way Too Much Trashy Reality TV To Be Straight: "Ohmygawd! Did you see when the old guy got kicked off American Idol?!? I know! It was so sad! How about that fight between the midget and the washed-up sitcom star on The Surreal Life! Did you hear about the 8th and Ocean marathon this weekend? I'm soooo excited!" He will be your best friend, I'm sure. But nothing more.

- The "Sweet Talker": He uses any of the following pet names to describe any woman he encounters, including girlfriends, friends, friends of friends, and total strangers: Baby Cakes, Sweet Cheeks, Cutie Pie, Muffin, Hot Cakes, Honey, Puddin', Pumpkin, Sugar Mama, Cupcake, Peaches-n-Cream, Sugar Plum, or Fruit Loop. Great, now I'm hungry.

The list can go on and on (and will perhaps be updated as I'm inspired). Please, ladies, avoid these men at all costs. I shouldn't have to compete with these jackasses... but such is life in the big city.

Oh, and if you're willing to take a chance and talk to me, feel free. I'll be at the bar, right between the dirty hippie and the smelly old man.

5 Moments of Idiocy:

Blogger Betty said...

What about the guy who is really bossy and just tells you what to do. I seem to meet these types. Not will you go on a date with me, but you ARE going on a date with me.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But you forgot the pretentious male fashionista. Older than the hipster, not making as much money as the guy with money and doubly annjoying. Will tell you all about everyone else he dates, and he is just the best...(architect, Industrial designer, painter....)
He takes you to "showroom " parties.........

2:43 PM  
Anonymous Marjorie said...

okay trying to leave a comment for the second time...um...if you work in advertisingdoesn't everyone make more than you?

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The ADD Admirer
His lifestyle is technology interruptus - cell, crackberry, IPOD - anything to keep him from having a real conversation of any length that requires his focus on anyone else but himself!

3:22 PM  
Blogger Michael Leggett said...

You must be talking about a neighborhood, south of my house, called Howard Beach, for that 1st group of losers.

1:43 PM  

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